Love in the Making 2019

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Proverbs 365 Ministries

Kezia Chisholm

Love, Lust, Lies

My name is Kezia and I will be sharing with you my testimony, which is entitled love lust and lies.

I grew up in Brooklyn, New York the only child to my parents and I grew up in a two-family household and My mother she is Filipino and also from a young age.

I already knew there was a difference between how I looked and how she looked.

So when I was younger, I always used to pray, Lord, make me yellow.

Because I knew that my mother was a woman and me being a girl, I just thought that I should have looked like her and also realizing the differences in our hair texture.

But just noticing there was a difference in our hair, so just having that constant struggle with being rather content with who I was.

My father, he is Guyanese and also he was always instilling in me from a young age education.

So whenever it came to doing homework, he was the 1 always checking my homework, doing my math, whatever it was, the tutoring, he was the 1 always there.

My parents, they were married for about 17 years, And from a young age, I knew that there was a little of a difference going on in the household because there was a lot of arguing going on.

So by the time I was age 5, I ended up having my first encounter with another girl.

And this was in my preschool, around preschool first grade.

And for me, that just started the journey with my sexual encounters.

My grandparents, they came to live with us for a few years when I was younger, but any time, or rather, when they moved out from where we were living in Brooklyn and they had moved to Washington State, I had noticed a vast difference in how they operated.

So when it came to the weekends, especially when Sabbaths came about, I noticed that they would go to church, they would have potluck, they would go have 1 like their nature walk So they were just really more on the calmer spirit and always just praying and just asking God for guidance I would always remember vividly growing up just seeing them when it came to the morning time and the evening time They would always kneel down to pray and to me that always stuck with me because I had said to myself, why is it that with my parents they didn't do that?

By the age of 9, I ended up having my second encounter, second sexual encounter, and this was with a group of girls, kind of like an orgy style.

So to me that just kind of brought about my idea of what sexuality is supposed to be, which is with girls and or like orgy style.

By the age of 12, my parents ended up divorcing and this just brought about a lot of arguing and With that going about I know my mother she was very distraught with what was going on and her being Angry because she was internalizing a lot of the things that was going on she also at the same time with internalizing her anger and not necessarily getting help, she had also put that anger on me.

And with that, that just kind of brought about a lot of frustration with me that had me acting out externally.

My father, when he ended up leaving, he just left abruptly.

And from that point on, our connection, our communication just kind of became stagnant at that point.

So eventually, it just became my mother and I, and our relationship ended up becoming a bit shaky because you know like I had mentioned from my earlier days a lot of my or rather who I thought I was or who I saw myself to be she did not look like that so there was always this constant arguing we had going on, frustrations, and sometimes she would just let her anger out on me.

So throughout the years it just brought about a lot of defiance within the household because I didn't really know how to speak to her in a manner where she was loving to me.

I know as a young person, she definitely did her best in trying to raise me by her own, but at the same time, it was a lot on her.

By the time high school came about, I ended up losing my virginity.

And the crazy thing about it was even though sometimes when I was younger we would go to church sometimes just you know if we had time I was baptized in the beginning of the year and then by the end of the year I ended up losing my virginity.

So to me it wasn't really nothing when it came to God because you know how sometimes there are Bible workers who are so pressed for numbers and they don't really take the time out to say okay do you even know God?

It was just more so the numbers thing that went about.

So this just began my journey of really just internalizing my frustration, my anger.

So I just went about being very promiscuous with guys as well as women.

I ended up being very depressed and suicidal as well.

And I remember I used to try to kill myself.

I'd take the pillows and try to suffocate myself, but it didn't really work.

I also began partying and then the drinking, the smoking aspect, and eventually I got arrested.

I was shoplifting so I had done that several times.

But just to show you the manner of a person or rather a teenager I was, I was just so angry.

And I didn't really know how to tell anybody about that.

But at the same time I just continued in that behavior because I figured that any type of love was better than no love.

And even if that meant that love had hurt, I was just like, well, it's something better than what I was getting at home.

Eventually, within high school, the 2 girls on the left side, they actually were Adventists.

I was in Pathfinders because My mom just put me into something for me to do.

And I just kind of took it as, well, it's another extracurricular activity.

I grew up with playing a lot of musical instruments, so it was always an activity going on.

So I just thought, all right, when it comes to Pathfinders, it's just another extracurricular activity.

So I remember in 1 camp meeting, because at school I had my jewelry on and all of that, when I then went to Pathfinder camp, I was like, oh, you're Adventist too?

And on top of that, it was because I used to curse a lot, too, and I used to eat lots of bacon.

So they didn't even think I was Adventist.

But I was like, yes, I am, quote, unquote.

Eventually, I ended up going to college, which was a miracle in and of itself, because like I had shared with you, my nature of just being very defiant, I had applied to 20 plus colleges and I did not get in.

And thankfully, I did get away from home.

And so this goes to show you like how much research I did not do because my goal was alright when I go to college I'll do like music, I'll major in music because like middle school and high school I did like the orchestra so I figured you know what college come I'll do music major.

I get up to the campus, they didn't even have a music major and I was like, oh, the second option, I was like, all right, we'll do interior design.

And also I was like, I'll join the swim team because as a little kid, I used to swim.

So I figured, you know what, maybe I could join the Olympics.

So I said you know what I'll join the swim team and I'll just do interior design.

So I had did that as well as I had just continued in my defiant behavior and just continuing in that process and just thinking that eventually, well, I didn't really think anything would change per se, but I knew from before, like, especially like my teenage years and not really knowing God personally, I always had looked at him as a genie.

So I remember whenever I was having sex afterwards, I would say, Lord, just make sure I don't get pregnant or have any AIDS or HIV.

It wasn't more so of, we should stop this because it's wrong, because I was not taught that.

What I was taught was just wear a condom.

So not saying I did that all the time, but by God's mercy, he still sought me out.

By the following year, I think it was the middle of my freshman year and sophomore year, I ended up going home and, you know, like a summer break.

So I had reached out to 1 of my guy friends.

I just told him I just wanted to get high and smoke And then we did that but we were so high we ended up having sex So I was just so distraught because I was just like this was not the plan The plan was just to get high that's it But because we were just so high we had sex and then by the following day because I had to go to work I went to work and where I was at that time as a lifeguard, it was a Sunday and nobody really came to the pools on Sundays so I took it as a perfect opportunity to sleep because I was like I didn't sleep the night before, I'm asleep right now.

So I was crying because I was just so disappointed in myself, because like I had said, my goal was just to smoke.

So I ended up falling asleep, and as I was falling asleep, I ended up having a dream.

And in that dream, I saw myself getting re-baptized.

So of course, I woke up distraught, and I remember just singing, God is the joy and the strength of my life He removes all pain misery and strife So at that point in waking up I was I was confused because I was like I'm not I'm not trying to see God right Now I don't I don't understand what's going on But the beauty of it is to see that, but God commanded his love towards us in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

So that began a journey for me to see that, OK, there is someone chasing after me.

Because clearly in that baptism, I didn't know what was going on, but the image I couldn't deny what was happening.

So eventually, I started to get my life together somewhat.

By God's grace, another girl within my campus, she was actually Adventist.

So I always, like when I remember freshman year, she always, like when it was Friday nights, she always made sure like to not party.

She wouldn't do her homework or anything.

But for me, I was like, I was out partying.

But for her, I always noticed, like, shoot, she seemed kind of serious about this.

So that began our walk as a friend, but to be much more closer in Christ.

And then as I began getting serious with Christ, I then also became a bit more active within church.

And eventually, I did end up getting re-baptized.

And the crazy part about it was from the time I had the dream and the time I actually did get baptized, it was about a three-year difference.

And the same way I saw myself getting baptized was the same way I had envisioned myself 3 years prior.

So of course it was just like, whoo, what's going on?

I mean also because I never really went to that church before so just to see how everything had worked out to see how God was really making himself clear and just making it known that I do love you.

Love, Lust, Lies

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