Love in the Making 2019

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Proverbs 365 Ministries

Michael Carducci

Becoming a Man

Lord, you've been amazing, and you continue to be amazing.

You continue to blow our minds, Lord, and our understanding of who you are and how you are so willing to help us out in every situation and to reveal yourself in ways that we had never thought of before.

It's been 18 years, Lord, that I've been walking this walk with you.

And there have been many times, Lord, when I felt like turning back, there have been many times when I said, you know what, this is just too hard.

And yet, Lord, I couldn't help the fact that if I went, those were all my decisions, I could choose to do that.

You will always respect my right to choose, but Lord, where would I go?

And how would I go, Lord, without you in my life?

And I believe, Lord, it's that kind of intimacy that I was desperate for.

And also, Lord, the same kind of intimacy that you desire from each 1 of us that would keep us from going back into that life.

So many people, Lord, have never known the intimacy that you desire to give to each 1 of us.

And so Lord, I pray that tonight, that maybe something in my journey will touch somebody's heart and they will realize that we're not just talking about behavior modification.

That what we're talking about is relational restoration and how that only comes through you.

And I pray Lord that you will guide us and that everyone here, Lord, will have an opportunity to see you just a little bit more.

And so what I mean about sleep deprivation is I've had about 1 hour of sleep.

And it's interesting, let me go back just a little bit.

And probably about 6, 7 years ago, I was at Michigan camp meeting and I was having my devotion time with the Lord.

And you're going to hear all of the stuff that was going on in my life.

And you know, when I got baptized, when I came up out of that water, I wasn't straight, ready to date, mate, and procreate, as many of you might imagine.

But that's kind of like Catholic understanding, right?

That water wasn't holy water, it was just regular water.

And you probably realized too that about 10 minutes after you were baptized that God didn't take away your history and your memory either.

But what he did is he was beginning this journey with me.

It was so tough to go against the things that I had allowed become master in my life, the things that had become strongholds, the addictions and the drives that I had cultivated and set up as patterns in my life.

But Jesus was far more faithful to me than I was to him.

So about 6 years ago, I'm in the presence of the Lord, having my devotion, and I like to think about the cross as long as I can.

Ellen White says we should do it for a thoughtful hour every day.

But in my devotional time, after I have my devotion, I'll just clear my mind and I'll start thinking about what Jesus accomplished for me on the cross.

So in particular, 1 day I was having my devotion and normally my communication, and I don't even know if you'll follow this, but try to if you can, is usually between Jesus and me.

I didn't get God, He was kind of elusive to me, I saw Him as this arbitrary character that was looking to thump me in the head every time I messed up, but I understood who Jesus was as a personal savior.

So in my devotions, it was usually Jesus that I would dialogue with.

And sometimes, you know, I would be standing there hanging onto the cross and the precious blood of Jesus would be dripping down on me because sometimes that's the only safety that I could find with the battle going on inside my mind.

And so then many times Jesus would come up from behind the cross.

He accomplished everything that I needed to give me the victory now.

And so I would embrace my Savior, and I would have this hug from my Savior.

So in particular on this day, it was me and God.

And it wasn't this omnipotent, omnipresence presence of God.

Instead, what it was, was a dedicated father to his son.

And as I was in the presence of God, it was like there's this big, huge, wooden door behind me.

Big, huge, wooden door, and it's got these big metal clasps on it.

And behind that door was everything that I'd come from.

My misunderstanding of God, my misunderstanding of what love was, my misunderstanding of intimacy, my misunderstanding of even Christianity.

And God said to me, He said, Mike, if you want to shut the door to all of that, you can do that anytime.

And so as I'm in the presence of God, I said, well, yeah, why not?

And as I'm in the presence of God, I realized everything that the Lord had saved me from, 20 years of living in the gay culture, living within 2 miles of 5 gay bars, acting out sexually on an average of 3 times a week.

And so, as I'm in the presence of God, and he said, Mike, if you want to shut that door, you can do that any time.

But brothers and sisters, it had to be my choice.

He wasn't going to force me to shut that door.

And as I've seen the goodness of what God had given to me, the thought came to my mind, of course I want to shut it.

And I turned and I shoved this big door, and I shut that door.

And it wasn't like a wimpy, flimsy door that somebody could just push open.

It was definite and it was determined and all of that was gone.

I was in awe because all of that stuff was gone now and I'm just in the presence of God.

And as I'm in the presence of God, it was like, wow, God, this is really good.

And as I was there, it wasn't even a matter of, I was worshiping him, I was in the presence of worship, but it was just like, he was giving to me in that moment.

And as I was being filled in that moment, it was like, wow, Lord, thank you that I had the choice to shut that door at any time.

Now, it doesn't mean that we don't open that door back up, but just remember this if you would, that at any time you have the choice to shut that door anytime you want to.

And that as I was in the presence of God, I realize that this was the best thing.

How is it that being in the presence of God is better than an illicit sexual situation?

And brothers and sisters, I speak a little bit on the raw side because I really was desperate for some of these answers when I was your age.

I wish somebody would have been real with me because I really wanted to know what was going on inside of my head and how is it that I could be an authentic Christian and still battle with these things that were inside my mind.

So I took an example from you, and so I just kept my mouth shut and I didn't act like I had any problems.

And at 20 years old I I walked out and walked into the gay culture and they had their arms open wide.

And so here I am again in the presence of God and I said Lord what do you want me to do?

And so I went to the camp meeting and I was listening to a brother of mine give a sermon about the rich young ruler.

He said, sell everything that you have and give it to the poor and then come and follow me.

And I'm looking at God and I said, Lord, are you telling me to do that?

And I said, you know, I'm not very smart, Lord.

And so you're gonna have to make it very plain to me.

And I said, I'm gonna throw all Gideon's, what is the fleece, right?

And I said, if you want me to sell everything that I have, then you're gonna have to affirm that 1 more time today.

And I said, you know, it's up to you whenever you want, and I'm just gonna go about my day, but I need at least 1 more example.

And so that afternoon I was in the bookstore and we were kind of promoting some of the stuff that Coming Out Ministries has and as I was sitting there, there was this lovely lady and she had a table beside me and she was promoting her devotional and at the end of the day we were exhausted.

You know what it's like to talk for 6 hours?

So anyway, as I was talking, and I'm very used to talking for 6 hours, so at the end of the day, after talking for 6 hours, I was exhausted.

I couldn't decide, did I wanna go to dinner or did I wanna go to bed?

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