GYC 2008: For This Purpose

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Generation. Youth. Christ. (GYC)

Phil Mills Sr., Israel Ramos, and Judy Ramos ~ Date of Destiny: Finding and Keeping Your Love

Phil Mills

Courtship Readiness

Back when I was in medical school doing some of this research originally at Loma Linda, I found every question that Ellen White said we should ask about a prospective mate.

She had 5 questions for the fellas and she was a female so she had a lot more for the girls, 18.

I did an exhaustive search of all of the material that has to do with courtship and marriage and I looked for every question mark And it was the same 18 questions, same 5 questions.

These are all here, questions you must ask, you must know.

And we will not be able to cover the questions in our, in the 3 lectures which we have, 3 studies.

These are actually 3 of 6, so we had to select 3 of the studies.

And so to get those questions, There are many different marriage customs around the world.

An internal medicine resident from another country rotated through my office a few years ago.

We got acquainted and she told me about where she was born and then I asked her how she met her husband.

And she didn't really want to say too much about it because she thought it might sound different, but I said, you know, I'm going to be giving a seminar on courtship and marriage, can you tell me the story?

Her parents were Hindu, are Hindu, And they responded to an ad in a Hindu magazine.

And there was her prospective husband actually lived in Wichita, Kansas.

And so her parents met the other parents and interestingly enough, 3 days before the marriage, her husband flew back, they got married and have a happy marriage.

Now that may sound strange to our Western ears, but in many parts of the world this is a common custom.

Christ's marriage himself is an arranged marriage.

The kingdom of heaven is like a certain king who arranged a marriage for his son.

Until 250 years ago, that was common even in Western lands, pretty typical for courtship.

Parents would choose the spouse for the child, children had little involvement.

The Romantic period of art, of music, of literature, and of courtship.

Now we've come to the place that Parents must not even advise the children during this time of life.

We've gone from the time where parents chose the spouse to a time when the parents are not to be involved in the selection.

Generations have grown up and followed this type of dating and marriage.

The front page of the Wall Street Journal signaled the end.

It was an article titled, Key to a Lasting Marriage, Combat.

It said that there was a growing body of research that suggested that there's no such thing as a compatible couple.

It said that all couples tend to argue about the same thing across the board.

And so they advised that spouses should honor discord.

They should not think this was a problem.

Good homes were said to be discordant homes.

Such things as scheduling weekly arguments.

But of course, if fighting saves marriage, why limit it to once a week?

Instruction in fighting was recommended for each spouse.

This was a serious article by some of the biggest names in marriage counseling today.

Just as the romantic period of music, art, and literature dissolved, People are giving up on marriage, denying that compatible couples exist.

But when the experts conclude that the key to lasting marriage is combat, and they prove the truth of Isaiah's observation, the way of peace, they know not.

Unless the Lord builds your house, you will labor in vain to build it.

I remember making a decision that many of you here are making, some are considering.

I determined by God's grace back in college to follow God's plan in dating, in courtship, in marriage.

For some of you, you're making decisions, and it was the best decision I ever made to build my life around the Word of God.

Some of you are making a decision to begin a godly line, which you did not have the advantage of being from.

Others of you are making the decision to continue a godly line, but it's a decision you'll never regret to have a happy home.

Our theme is Cross, Christian's resources on spouse selection.

I'm excited to be sharing this with you today for the next 3 lectures because I've seen the happiness that comes to those who understand and gain the resources available to a Christian.

This is a Bible and a Spirit of Prophecy based seminar.

Please don't misunderstand me when I quote the latest literature, statistics, and research from current sociological and psychological thought study.

I'm not pointing to these studies as determinative or authoritative.

I'm just using them to illustrate what God's Word says and they simply quantify how true it is.

If I was going to talk to you about dermatology, skin diseases, I would not be able to cover all of dermatology in the next 3 hours.

And in a public presentation like this, I can't cover the specifics of courtship probably for your situation.

There are major principles of dating that are universal in their application.

Each individual has a unique situation for themselves.

And these applications need to be specifically applied to your situation.

Wisdom is taking principles and knowing how to apply them.

It's not enough to get the ingredients for a cake.

And only God can give wisdom and he wants to give us wisdom.

Now I don't know any of you or very many of you, few of you I'd know, but not very many of you personally and what I'm saying is not directed at you as an individual.

But over the years I've learned that many face similar problems in courtship and dating is not just happiness and roses.

There's also confusion and heartache and loneliness.

Maybe someone here is seeking God's guidance in a relationship that they are in right now.

I want to assure you that God will give you direction in that relationship.

There may be someone here who feels caught in a relationship that you'd like to end, but you feel like you've gone too far, and so the relationship just continues.

The Bible can provide direction to escape that trap.

There may be someone here who's feeling guilty about a prior relationship or may be hurt.

There may be someone here who is struggling with loneliness.

You want a Christian's life companion, but you see no prospects for it where you are.

You may feel compelled to accept a non-Christian life's partner.

The Bible can bring you fellowship and contentment in the situation you are in.

You may be dating a non-Christian and wondering how this relationship will work out.

The Bible will give you insights into your situation.

These are sensitive and important issues.

They involve emotions, affections, our desires and inclinations at the very deepest levels.

And yet I've discovered that people have a great deal of difficulty in understanding what they don't want to do.

There may be someone here who's secretly struggling in the bondage of moral impurity, indulging in thoughts and actions that darken the life and bring shame and remorse, but are overwhelmingly powerful, seem impossible to break.

The Bible can bring you victory and power in the Christian way.

Years ago, a king of Israel gave away the secret of dating that leads to successful marriages.

Read it with me, believe in the Lord your God and you shall be established.

Believe his prophets and you shall prosper.

This is the formula to prosper not only in dating and marriage but in every area of life.

With the books of Genesis and Judges we find that forbidden marriages and courtship is the sure route to apostasy.

Understanding Love and Friendships

The first point that we looked at at our last seminar was don't despise the opportunities that unmarried ministry gives you.

Secondly, recognize God's timing for courtship.

The 1 who acts hastily makes poor choices.

And as a general rule of thumb, what is sufficient age for courtship and marriage?

According to this scripture it would be 20 or above.

By this time the direction of life can be more easily determined, the character patterns are fixed, the future is more predictable because there's been a past.

You have a better feel for what the person will be like at 40.

You can't borrow money unless you have a credit history.

They want to know what your credit history is.

Now, God has given in the Bible 3 ways to predict the future.

And that's a whole lecture in itself, but let me just summarize it.

Now which hath been will be again, the scripture says.

That's why if you apply to school, what do they ask to see?

It's not perfect, but it's an indicator of what the future is.

And so you want to have the sufficient life experience that you can investigate, that you can have some sort of means of projecting.

We won't look at the other 2 ways to predict the future, but just that 1.

And then sufficient experience to run and maintain an organized home.

That's what you want in a spouse or to be able to do.

Sufficient experience to have a job and a financial base to sustain a family.

Now, what if you are old enough and sufficiently experienced enough, what lack I yet?

I often meet singles with lists of requirements for a prospective mate.

And I'm always interested in these lists.

So I would like you at this time to write down your list, make it in 4 sections, what you want in a future mate.

Those that are absolutely essential, you can't live without.

Those that are desirable would be nice but you'd consider someone without 1 or more of these requirements.

And then third, what is your list of undesirable attributes you'd consider someone but you wouldn't like it And what's your list of absolute deal breakers?

I will not under any circumstances live with this category.

Absolutely essential, desirable, undesirable, deal-breaker.

And many, for most people, these would be the reverse of these but not necessarily.

Alright, the next question is, have you made up a list of requirements for yourself?

Do you bring to the marriage the qualities you feel are absolutely essential in a life's partner?

Do you have any of these qualities yourself?

Our first concern in a seminar like this should not be, what do I get?

A courtship seminar is really not about getting the person you want, but becoming the person you need to be.

Before we seek a life's partner, we must evaluate what type of life's partner we would be.

Do you understand the responsibilities involved in marriage and parenting?

If you wrote down your description of yourself, would it agree with the description that heaven would make of you?

For I say to every man not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think soberly.

How do we examine ourselves in preparation for marriage?

Marriage is a test of love and so we must examine our ability to love and our love.

The Beatles had a hit song, All you need is love.

When I was a teenager you heard it blaring everywhere.

It was a way of telling a lie by telling the truth.

It is true all you need is love, but what is true love?

How can we know if we have the genuine love or not?

Father in heaven, we are going to be looking at a very serious study that will be saying some things that we all know, but a few things that are surprising.

And dear Lord, we want You to be the teacher.

Only You have the wisdom to talk about love because You're the source of it.

Only You have the Proper way to reach our hearts.

Father, you be the 1 that instructs each of us because we all here need to learn about this.

And now we commit this portion of the seminar into your hands in Christ's name, Amen.

We begin our self-examination by reviewing our past, comparing our past with the standard of love, the 10 Commandments.

When we love, we have fulfilled every requirement of the law.

The first commandment that explicitly instructs us on our home duties is in the fifth commandment, honor thy father and thy mother.

The highest duty that devolves upon youth is where?

Blessing father and mother, brothers and sisters, by affection and true interest.

Before you become a physician, you have to go to what?

Before you become a nurse, you have to go to?

Before you get married, you must go to marriage school.

Your childhood home is the school God designed should prepare you for your own home.

God wants you through those difficulties to be prepared to be a much better homemaker than perhaps you came from.

Ingredients of Happiness

Father in heaven, we are grateful that we have the opportunity to have your presence here.

And I just pray that You will speak to each of our hearts.

I pray that you will help us understand your word.

Open our understanding as you did to those disciples on the road to Emmaus.

To the man who pleases Him, God gives happiness.

To a young man, Ellen White wrote, you should have a wife that could make you a happy home.

To a young woman, she wrote, will the 1 you marry bring happiness to your home?

To another, she mused, has he the traits of character that will make her happy?

A new couple was counseled to evaluate the relationship for the genuine components of happiness.

Will this new relationship prove a source of true, enduring happiness?

It should come as no surprise that many homes are not happy.

Linda Waite, the Lucy Flower Professor of Sociology and Director of the Center on Aging at the University of Chicago, studied unhappy marriages.

With colleagues, she reviewed the National Survey of Family and Households done by the University of Wisconsin in 1987 and 88 with a follow-up in 1992-94.

Several of her findings I found particularly interesting.

First, 3 out of 4 unhappily married adults are married to someone who is happy with the relationship.

Imagine being in a marriage Where 1 is happy with the relationship while the other is miserable.

It's sad to even imagine such a broken marriage relationship.

In the same study, the vast majority of divorces, in fact 74%, took place in adults who had reported happy marriages when they were first studied only 5 years earlier.

Someone could say, well, I'm not happy in this marriage, I'll get a divorce and find someone that can make me happy.

Unfortunately, Waits' data suggests those who divorce are seldom happy either.

Despite what people say, your best shot at happiness is your first time.

In a longitudinal 15 year study by University of Illinois professor Ed Deiner, the levels he evaluated the happiness levels of more than 24, 000 people in Germany.

Deiner's research found that the happiest people all appear to have strong social relationships, His study found that the people who were most happy after their marriage were happy prior to their marriage.

They were no more happy married than they were single.

This finding simply documents what Inspiration had previously reported.

There's not 1 marriage in a hundred that results happily.

Do you know what makes you happy or miserable?

Great searches in life are, I want to be happy.

And yet, most people don't know how to get it.

The study found that the people who were most satisfied with their lives before their marriage were the ones that were most apt to stay married.

People who get married and stay married are more satisfied than the average long before they got married.

If you want a happy marriage, you need to understand about being happily single.

And you need to understand the ingredients that make for happiness.

What makes 1 home happy and another unhappy?

If you leave the salt out, it may be nutritious, but it's tasteless.

There are some salt ingredients that commonly get left out.

If you leave 1 of these essentials out, you'll lack some of the happiness that you could have.

This is Not only an important first question before someone gets married, it's also an important question in counseling people who are couples that are having trouble.

Do the parties understand how to bring happiness to the home, it's too bad to ask the question late, but better late than never.

Do you know what brings happiness to the home?

Don't be satisfied with some vague idea, some abstract notion.

It is not simply marriage that brings happiness.

Marriage isn't a magical elixir that suddenly makes 2 unhappy people happy ever after.

I would like to focus on the 10 major ingredients.

It's not a complete list, but I'm going to say something right at the start and I'm going to repeat it at the end.

Because I don't want anyone to feel discouraged by this lecture.

No 1 has all the qualities that I'm going to be describing for happiness.

And the important part of happiness is to know the goals you are striving for.

I want us to focus on some specifics so we don't have, as we mentioned, a vague notion.

First and most important is to understand that only Christ can bring happiness.

If he's not the center of the relationship, there can't be happiness.

Psalm 1611, in your presence is fullness of what?

Joy, and at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

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Phil Mills Sr., Israel Ramos, and Judy Ramos ~ Date of Destiny: Finding and Keeping Your Love

Courtship Readiness

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